I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
