i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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