made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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