It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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