so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
