Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
