I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Randomize
