I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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