Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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