Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
