what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
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