once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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