i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
