Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
