She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Four minutes until I can fart!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So much Jack, so little girl.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
