Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
