how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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