put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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