Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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