Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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