Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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