trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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