Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
