She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
