My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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