so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
