Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Randomize
