Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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