omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
