Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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