My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
