I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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