i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
