tell your sister to shave her snatch
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm having to shit out rocks
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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