Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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