Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
