I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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