good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
