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I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
