You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
