well I can't set my house on fire every night
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
