the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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