matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Randomize
