Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
