maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
