What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
