Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
