i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Randomize
