You made me cry and you don't even care
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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