Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
