i think my tv is drunk
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
