the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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