Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
