I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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